


Customer Relations

by MrProphet



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-22 16:47:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10701039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrProphet/pseuds/MrProphet





	Customer Relations

The King slumped in his throne, one arm flung over the back and an expression of fathomless melancholy on his once noble countenance.

“Well?” he asked.

“We have received a reply to your message, Sire,” the herald announced. “A special runner arrived…”

The King gave a curt wave to silence him. “Read it,” he said.

“Sire.” The Herald coughed to clear his throat and began to read from the scroll of greyish parchment:

“To His Most Excellent Majesty Gäerloth, High King of the North, King of Angmar, Lord of the Northern Lands, Captain of the Host of Men, Chieftain of the Northreavers, High Adept of the Shadow Arts, Swordmaster, Conqueror of the West, greetings.

“Further to your missive of April 17th Year 1703 of the Second Age of Middle Earth, may I take this opportunity to congratulate you once more on your choice of the Great Ring of Power™ (Number 1 in a limited series of 9). We are of course concerned that you report what you consider ‘side-effects’, but we will make every effort to investigate and alleviate your concerns.

“Firstly, you report a failing appetite and significant loss of weight. This is in fact considered by many to be a great benefit (and is in fact a major selling point in the forthcoming Great Ring of Power  _Lady_ ™ line), and we assure you that the weight loss is not a health hazard except in extreme cases. The primary cause of weight loss in Ringbearers is a result of the conversion of fat and muscle tissue into shadow and is therefore not a cause for concern.

“Secondly, you have referred to an aversion to light and sluggishness during daylight hours. We suggest that this is merely a result of fatigue, coupled with your enhanced senses. The feeling of power and invulnerability which possession of a Great Ring of Power™ brings can lead to a ‘burning of the midnight oil’. If you refer to your user’s manual (pp.3218-3276), you will find a recommended sleep pattern regime. In addition, with the enhancement of your senses, you may find a nocturnal pattern to be more amenable, although such will continue the ‘loss of colour’ which you mention.

“Thirdly, you complain of a reluctance to put aside your Great Ring of Power™. We remind you that p.1275 of your user’s manual clearly states that for best results your Great Ring of Power™ should be worn at all times. Given the many advantages enjoyed by the wearer of a Great Ring of Power™, how could anyone wish to take it off?

“In order to help us to help you, we would appreciate it if you could answer the following questions, clarifying some of your concerns:

“Do you experience dreams of howling winds and bloodshed: a) every night, b) every other day, c) twice a week, or d) once a week or less?

“Would you describe your desire to unquestioningly obey the will of Sauron as: a) absolute, b) overwhelming, c) compelling, d) persuasive or e) whimsical?

“Is the fear which you describe evoking in your servants best described as: a) slight discomfort, b) creeping uncertainty, c) nervous anxiety, d) paranoia or e) unholy terror of the blasphemous and obscene?

“Would you characterise your loss of libido as resulting from: a) physical impotence, b) disinterest, c) preoccupation or d) physical repulsion towards the filthy, stinking sacks of foetid meat which crawl through their miserable, meaningless lives around you.

“We hope to be able to resolve your complaints soon, and that you will continue to be a valued customer, and not just another obstacle to be crushed in the Dark Lord Sauron’s march to inevitable victory.

“Best regards, The Mouth of Sauron, Herald and Ambassador, Chief of Marketing for the Mordor Board of Trade, Sales Manager for Eregion-Orodruin Incorporated Products…”

The King sighed. “Contact the Ombudsman...” he began, but the herald concluded:

“…Chief Ombudsman, brackets Rings of Power, Swords of Arcane Might and Miscellaneous Elven Artefacts, close brackets.”

Gäerloth shook his head wearily. “I see.”


End file.
